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McCain & Obama: The Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Debate
Good evening, America, this is Tom BUTThaw and I'll be emceeing this vital debate between the two handpicked candidates for president, Senator John McCain and Senator Hussein, uhh, excuse me, Senator Barack Obama.
This debate will focus on each candidate's preference in ice cream, specifically Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Senator McCain has picked as his favorite "Chubby Hubby" and Senator Obama has chosen "Funky Monkey."
Senator McCain, we'll start with you. Please tell Americans during this most important campaign in history why you like Chubby Hubby. Please be succinct and to the point.
"My friends, when I was a prisoner of the North Vietnamese for five and half years, I was not fed any ice cream, let alone the creamy tasting goodness of Ben & Jerry's.
During that time, I made a pledge that if I ever got to be president of this beautiful freedom loving nation, that I would NOT allow those damned gooks to import Ben & Jerry's ice cream, nor would I allow those other gooks, the damned Iranians, to get the bomb.
How do I know Iran has the bomb? Proud and patriotic Americans like Alan Dershowitz, Abe Foxman and Daniel Pipes have risked life and limb to get this vital info to our intelligence agencies and we must NOT let those brave ones sacrifice be in vain.
My friends, if Iran gets the bomb, Israel, our only friend in the ME, will be subject to another holocaust and that is something that will NOT happen on my watch. Israel is a tried and true trusted ally and we must not let that shining light of democracy go out or be without Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream!!!"
Thank you, Senator McCain.
Senator Obama, would you please tell us why Ben & Jerry's Funky Monkey appeals to you so much. Again, please be concise and stay on topic.
My fellow Americans, when I was a community organizer in Chicago, after a particularly good week, we'd take the staff to the local Ben & Jerry's to partake of that scrumptious delight.
On the way, walking of course to prevent CO 2 emissions, we'd have to pass by the Iranian Embassy. Each day I'd pass that imposing edifice made me more resolute in my desire to NEVER see Iran get the bomb when I became president.
An Iranian bomb is NOT acceptable to our best and only friend in the ME, Israel and what Israel wants, by gosh, Israel gets. Israel has stood by America many times in the past, hand always outstretched and we WILL not turn our back on that friendship, even at the cost of starting WWIII.
We will not stand by while those nefarious Iranians put into motion another holocaust, no sir, not while I'm president.
Again I say to those Arabs of Persia: I will do everything in my power to make sure you don't get the bomb... Everything in my power, EVERYTHING.
And to make sure Israel has plenty of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and stays armed to the teeth to defeat those that would wipe Israel off the face of the earth."
Thank you both for such eloquent statements about Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and that tremendous problem ALL Americans must face, the Iranian bomb.
Now, we'll go to a station break for our sponsors, the Anti-Defamation League and the American Enterprise Institute.